04/01/2020
It's been a while I know, but here's something I hope gives you something to think about.
The Great Paper Caper
Jake had a bad feeling this deal was doomed right from the start. His worst fears became reality as he prepared to consummate the illicit deal with the Frenchman standing two metres away. The two men were alone in an abandoned alley, keeping enough distance between them to maintain safety, but still able to make the swap. But, before the money could be exchanged and Jake could make the bust, the cartelâs representative spied flashing lights at the far end of the laneway. Jake cursed out loud as he turned to see the rush of uniformed police running toward them. A sudden glow of orange light surrounded the scene, with a waft of intense heat hitting Jake directly on the back. He knew instantly that his cover had been blown; and much worse.
Jake turned back again in time to witness valuable amounts of contraband, engulfed in flames and disintegrating into dust and ash. Police personnel stopped in their tracks; horrified by what they were seeing. A small tear formed in the corner of Jakeâs left eye and his heart sank. His eyes had been diverted for only a moment, and now all he could do was look on helplessly as the evidence disappeared. He stared in dismay at the smoldering mass, thinking only how closely it mirrored his own future.
The Frenchman stood his ground boldly for the moment, laughing out loud at the bumbling crew before him. As everyone looked on transfixed, he turned to escape down the alley, after having dropped an open butane lighter into the pile of product to ignite the inferno. His laughter could still be heard as he disappeared from view. Jake and his back-ups could only look on in despair as they watched the evidence go up in flames. Fifty packages of high-grade three-ply bathroom tissue were quickly reduced to ashes. The street value of that burnt paper gold was mind-numbing. Panic would surely follow with the news of lost toilet rolls. There would be hell to pay. The s**t was truly about to hit the fan.
Jakeâs captain was livid. The Chief of Police was steaming, and the mayor was hopping mad. Beyond anger now, the Premier declared a national emergency. He gathered a group of the countryâs most creative and analytical minds, to devise a plan to end this expansive and costly conflict that threatened the very fabric of decent society. They were now at war with the Toilet Paper cartel in Cashmere, or so they thought.
At the same time, the three men that stood at the top of the paper goods aristocracy known as âCrap Papierâ, were fretting their own fate. A meeting between the three âTicket Donsâ, Jacque Charmin, Pierre Le Cottonelle, and Louis Royale, was hastily arranged. Each leader was keenly aware that tensions were at their apex, and the ring of fire was closing in tightly around them. Charmin was furious, angered by the knowledge that upstart factions like the âNo Namersâ were squeezing him out of his own territory. Pierre lamented that his luxurious hold on his market was under threat from the âPC Clubâ. Louis Royale demanded the kingpins come together immediately to wipe out interlopers like the âKirkland Mobâ. It was decided quickly among the three magnates, that all measures would be rolled out to bring minor players to their knees once and for all. âWe must wipe them out!â, pronounced Royale.
Everywhere else, normal citizens, cultural leaders, and politicians alike, were beginning to feel the impact of the growing dilemma. Suddenly, the great philosophical debate of âover the rollâ versus âunder the rollâ, no longer seemed important. Only a combined effort could halt the unraveling before we were down to our last small square of hope. There had been various occasions where politicos and business conglomerates found good reason to get between the sheets with each other before. Desperate times now called for desperate measures. Thatâs when the most unexpected event occurred, which would change the fortunes of everyone involved, forever.
Jake was at home in his apartment, isolated and feeling as empty and low as a hollow cardboard cylinder. Suddenly, his cellphone started to buzz. At first, he ignored the phone, but whoever was calling was persistent. Jake finally relented and pick up the device. Pushing the call button he growled into the speaker, âWhat do you want from me?â
Jakeâs face went flush when he heard the voice on the other end of the line. âHi Jake, this is the Premier speakingâ, the voice simply said, âI know youâve had a rough ride recently, but I need your help. We all need your help.â As an involuntary reaction, Jake straightened instantly to be more attentive. The Premier went on to explain that he needed Jake to re-establish contact with cartel. At first, Jake was reluctant but as the Premier went on to explain his motives, Jake fell in line with the idea. âI know itâs not a pretty thought Jake.â, the Premier impressed, âEveryoneâs butts are now in our hands.â
It started with a clandestine conference call between government officials and the cartel, to set the wheels in motion. Once communication lines were open, the Premier came on board to explain his plan. A long game, double-roll approach would be taken to curtail the rising demand and price gouging of the precious arse wipes. With direct orders from the Premierâs office, cities and towns were to open government-sanctioned toilet roll stores. Clientele would be closely monitored on quotas to purchase rolls at a fixed, standardized price. The âCrap Papierâ companies were given new, legitimate powers to be sole suppliers of the government regulated bog rolls. The resulting reaction was predictable, but it took several weeks to unravel.
Eventually, underground marketeers known as the âBrown Marketâ; companies like the Kirklands, were forced to drastically reduce their prices in order to compete with the new legitimate retailers. Working out of back alleys and parking lots was causing illicit deals to be a dangerous and difficult affair for fear of being arrested and charged with ticket solicitation. Soon, most consumers were turning to the âticket shopsâ to purchase their required wipes because it was readily available again. The fear of deals going bad or worse, losing precious multi-packs to wanton destruction as had happened to Jake, started to strip away the Brown Marketâs advantage.
Seizing on the opportunity, Crap Papier began to overproduce their product. They flooded the regulated market with more squares than needed to be spared. Prices began to take a gradual decline. Realizing the game was up and they were at the end of their roll, the âBrown Marketâ gangs were forced to apply for official status. The government happily accepted triple-ply requests . Now that arse wipes were back on mainstream pricing and supply, the threat from hoarders and scammers flushed away.
The Premier was hailed as a national hero. Citizens were blissfully stripping off squares at the normal rate, and the âBrown Marketâ was accepted into the mainstream. At a news conference, the leader sat flanked by his new advisors; Jacque Charmin, Pierre Le Cottonelle, and Louis Royale. Also present was Jake, the newly appointed minister of ticket movement. The Premier was asked by reporters how he came up with such an ingenious plan. The government head smiled and nodded to his new cabinet before looking directly into the camera. âSimple laws of supply and demand folks. Some of our most precious commodities must be regulated globally to prevent this kind of heresy from ever happening again. But experienced people will always tell you to remember one more very important lesson.â The gathered throng waited with bated breath, anxious to hear their leaderâs sage advice. Finally, he simply said, âIf youâre going to spread it around, you have to be prepared to clean up the mess left behind,,, or be flushed away.â
